Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
