Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
