I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
