oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
