nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
