Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
