Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
