wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
