Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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