You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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