So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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