so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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