Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
