the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I didn't notice because vodka
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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