There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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