Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
