I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
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