Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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