I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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