A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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