dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?Â
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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