i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize