Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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