i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
