apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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