if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
