youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
