So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
