Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
