I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
