he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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