wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
this will be a night to untag.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
