Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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