Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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