The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
