is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
