This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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