You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
