im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
