naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize