my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
