what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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