So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
