I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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