have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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