Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
