One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
