I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The air was thick with penises
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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