i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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