Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
