I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
