my mouth tastes like poor choices
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
