Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Boobs are out for the taking
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
