I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
