guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
