He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
