So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
